Please Let Me Introduce You To L.A.M.

This piece was originally based on the acronym M.A.L.’s yet after careful consideration it was decided that L.A.M.’s would be a better choice as to not perpetuate M’s ego any further and at least in New England, the L’s are the worst. (I will also not discuss the B.A.T.’s here or the S.P.’s although as we know, both have their own driving issues.)

I spend a multitude amount of time on Interstate 95 driving along one of the busiest section of this throughway. Driving on a crowded highway gives one much time to think about and consider those around her. I would like to share some of those observations here.

There are many types of drivers yet the most aggressive seem to fall into the L.A.M. sequence. A L.A.M. by my definition someone who drives an expensive car – not Bentley expensive, I suppose in the whole car hierarchy they would be considered upper middle, yet they want to be Bentley drivers but had to settle for a L.A., or M. They model of choice is a gas guzzling SUV yet as someone else “sharing” the road, we need to pay attention to the mid-life sporty editions too. Please note: not all L.A.M. drivers are L.A.M.’s. A L.A.M. is a special breed.

First they probably overpaid for their car so they feel that they own the road. Here is an example from this past week – Construction is the norm no matter what road in New England one is traveling. As a lane is getting ready to merge there are usually signs that start about a half mile prior. In most cases if one is passing a line of cars they will see blinking lights up ahead or it will occur that the other drivers are going slow in the opposite lane for a reason and no, that reason isn’t so you can by-pass all the traffic.

Anyway, I happen to merge on the highway into the slow lane. In my rear view mirror I saw a tractor trailer driver blocking the left lane and traffic was moving at a decent pace, slow yet moving. I watch a L. pull onto the median to go around the truck and think what a jerk. I turned my wheels and blocked his path, a whole 20 yards up from where he swerved. This kind gentleman, with the “special” red lettering/white background plates (New Englanders think about that for a second) proceeded to lay on his horn, flash his lights, and as I watched in my mirror, throw an all-out hissy fit that he wasn’t able to pass.

Now I know what you are thinking – what if this was an emergency? You don’t know someone else’s plight. His wife/girlfriend/companion sat in the passenger’s seat putting on make up. I think that if someone was dying lipstick would not be her first concern.

We got to the flashing light-police car in the road merge and the kind person to my right slowed so I could sneak back in. After the construction I got horns and high fives from my fellow travelers. I also watched the L. take the casino exit. I guess they were late for lunch.

So this is one L. example as in these parts the L’s seem to have the biggest issues. Later in the week we had down pours during the commute. Most drivers slowed from the average seventy-five miles an hour down to forty-five or fifty. I say most because a nice red M. sedan weaved in and out of traffic passing everyone. I think other commuters got the same smile when the little red M was seen fifty feet down the road off an embankment. Snow, ice, rain, we all slow down for a reason. (I only make fun when it is only the driver’s ego that gets bruised and am grateful no one was hurt. The idiot could have taken out another car or did bodily harm to him or others – that is not funny.) I did enjoy the horns and thumbs up he was getting from the other driver’s too.

The A’s story, as with the others, may be substituted by M.’s or L.’s yet in most cases the A.’s seem to be less obnoxious, unless you are in a parking lot. There one will find an A. car abandon between two parking spaces, neither side providing enough room for anything larger than a Smart Car. Sometimes there will even be a nasty note left on the windshield yet most of the time other drivers look at the source and shrug.

So here are a few car facts that the L.A.M.’s may be interested in:

• It doesn’t matter how much someone’s car cost, they all hydroplane in the rain or spin out on ice.
• All vehicles come with turn signals standard. They are located on your steering wheel and other drivers find it helpful to know you are going to turn in front of them.
• The white lines in the parking lot are there for your car to go in between, not in the middle.
• The long row of drivers you are flying passed in the left hand lane want to get through the traffic as much as you do. By cutting the line you are doing nothing more than perpetuating the stereotype illustrated here.
• And finally, unless someone in your car is dying, flashing your lights and honking your horn for people to move out of your way is simply obnoxious.

The next time you drive America’s highways watch out for the L.A.M.’s. They will most likely be the car that at some point on your journey cuts you off, steals your parking spot, or flashes their lights for you to move.

Drive safe and be polite – we are all just sharing the space.